GPS Not Stolen During Car Break-in, Owner Bewildered, Angry

When the Car Fairy visits you, sharp cubic magic dust is left behind. PHOTO: Timo Newton-Syms, Flickr

ATLANTA–Victim of recent car break-in Ono Miryde can’t understand why his GPS was not stolen early Monday morning. He claims it is a recent model with many nice features.

“This just doesn’t make any sense,” Miryde complained. “These guys break a $200 window to steal $1.53 in loose change, but leave a GPS unit worth hundreds of dollars right there? What the hell?”

“They even smoked in my car! I mean, okay, steal my stuff if you have to but smoking in my car?”

Also not stolen from Miryde’s vehicle were Abba cassette tape The Number Ones, an Old Navy hoodie, and an assortment of paper coffee cups. Miryde claims he can see why no one would want these items, except for the ABBA tape.

“Okay now wait a minute, who doesn’t like ABBA? Even aside from ‘Dancing Queen,’ ‘Take a Chance On Me’ is on that tape. Anyone who doesn’t like that song simply doesn’t like music that much.”

But Chuck Abrick, alleged perpetrator of said break-in who is now held in Atlanta Police Department custody and charged with a string of similar break-ins, is not as impressed.

“I don’t really get into disco, so no I’m not an ABBA fan,” he revealed. “And on the matter of the GPS unit, even if I did break into that dudes car — which I didn’t — what does he think I’m gonna do with it? Sell it on eBay? I don’t have an email address or a Paypal account, buddy.”

Abrick went on to declare that GPS units as a whole are outmoded technology not even worth a handjob on the streets anymore.

“Even the lowliest urchin has a smartphone with a maps feature,” he pointed out. “Where am I gonna fence — I mean, uh… use — a dedicated GPS device that I have to update the maps for every few months?”

Atlanta Banana reporters relayed Abrick’s comments to Miryde, who commented, “He kinda has a point. Updating the maps is really annoying. But ABBA rules so screw him.”