LAS VEGAS, NV–The Republican candidates for the 2016 election met last night and surprised viewers by delivering a nuanced debate on exactly which of them would, upon his or her election, immediately bring the full might of the US armed forces to bear on the problem of starting World War III.
“I believe it should be me who orders our men and women into futile conflict which will ensure that we are the most hated country in the world,” Senator Ted Cruz said.
“Absolutely not. It should be me! They hate us for our freedoms!” Senator Marco Rubio said.
“I’ll take us to war and kick a few muslims on the way there!” Donald Trump said.
Journalists and pundits took to social media to immediately register their thoughts on the manner in which each candidate vowed to continue the US’s history of unending armed conflict.
“I found the tête-à-tête between Rubio and Cruz a most delicious diversion,” Eaton Ismbot, political reporter, tweeted.
“The candidates seem to be cooperating as professionals,” Ismbot said in his CNN report. “That’s good news. It makes our country look bad when our candidates resort to petty arguments rather than sticking to the issues of the day. Namely, who among them will start World War 3.”