MT. OLYMPUS — Calling Yahweh’s level of influence in American politics “ludicrous,” a group of other deities gathered at Mount Olympus today to deliver a press conference to assembled demigods, fanciful heavenly beasts, and select members of the press. Speaking from behind a golden, winged podium on stairs fashioned from pure white marble, the gods were dazzling in shafts of warm sunlight.
“This is an outrage,” began Apollo, god of light and the sun. “Keep in mind that we have nothing against Yahweh himself. He’s a groovy dude. In fact, I wish I could grow an awesome beard like his. But his influence in American politics is simply outrageous.”
“Apollo is correct,” confirmed Zeus, leader of the pro-lightening lobby. “We demand an American candidate who will render unto us the tribute and the reverence that we came to expect from your forefathers. Just so you know, we’re totally cool with gay marriage. Especially the Greeks.”
“Constantine wrecked it for all of us!” shouted a voice from the rear of the immortals. There was a murmur of agreement among the Greek and Roman mythological panoply.
Quetzalcoatl then took the podium. “I don’t know what you ancient European deities are crying about, honestly. This is my territory and I can’t even get a word in edgewise. I have my own demands, you know.” The Mesoamerican then produced a stone tablet from beneath his feathers.
“Pretty birds!” he screamed. “I demand more pretty birds. Both alive and in stone carvings. And human sacrifice!”
“Yes! Human sacrifice!” the cheer went up among all the assembled gods. Such was their delight at the prospect of renewed human sacrifice, that the cheer became a cacophony of shouts and cries for human tribute blood. In a fit of delight, Dionysus, god of the grape harvest, cast off his toga and begin what was later identified as his “helicopter move.” Zeus called for order, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
He then leaned over to Thor. “Tell these assholes to shut up, will you?”
“Hey, shut up, you assholes!” Thor bellowed, pounding the podium with his mighty hammer Mjölnir and causing the heavens themselves to shake. The assembled gods looked a bit sheepish.
Glaring around at his immortal colleagues, Zeus began, “Well, I think you all get the point. If there’s nothing further… yes, Osiris?”
Osiris took the podium. Leaning too close to the mic and causing a touch of feedback, he intoned “Pyramids. I want pyramids, and I’m looking at you, Gingrich. Forget about the moon base and introduce legislation to build a pyramid or two. It won’t kill you.”
“Of course, if it does kill some of you,” he added. “That’s okay too.”