ATLANTA, GA–Speaking through the Pope, his personal vessel in a world full of sinners, God admitted today that the recent scientific discoveries confirming the theory of the Big Bang had, in fact, been written between the lines of Scripture this entire time. God asked that people stop worrying about the day-to-day and instead focus on the larger picture, and asked that anyone with further questions spend more time studying the Word he breathed to life through Man over two thousand years ago.
“Sorry, guys,” God said (translated through the Pope’s Italian dialect), “I honestly thought when I started up the whole universe thing that humanity would never, ever, progress to this point. I had an entire chapter of Acts set aside for the mysteries of the atom but at the time, the zeitgeist was ‘Well they won’t figure out microscopes for at least ten thousand years’ and judging by the wickedness leading up to the Flood, there was very little hope for humanity’s future. But what can I say? I was wrong.”
Evangelists initially found themselves scrambling in an attempt to reconcile the advances of science with antiquated mores and laws leftover from humanity’s first attempts to understand the world around it. “This will certainly…. change things,” said the Pope, who made very clear that he was speaking from his personal beliefs and not acting as the right hand of God on this planet. “I guess we’ll just have to admit that, though I am the infallible voice of God on this great Earth, I viewed things a tad out of context.” The head of the Catholic Church, which claims one billion living souls to its name, issued a widespread apology to the scientists and forward-thinkers of the Middle Ages that were tortured and/or worse in the pursuit of truth.
Local pastors also found relief in God’s statement; many were initially concerned that when held up to the Light [Ed. Note: no pun intended] their centuries-old belief in an omnipotent supernatural being that created the Universe with Mankind specifically in mind would cast doubt on the Lord’s ever-present grace throughout these times rife with genocide, infidelity, and misinformation. “You know the nice thing about Christianity?” posed Atlanta pastor Judd Phillips, a Pentacostal who believes that snakes contain the unknowable power of God. “We don’t have to rely on fact. The whole thing is based on what you believe. Who would want to believe that humanity evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to become the creatures we are today? That means we’re on the same plane as every other living being on the planet, trees included. Thank God He stepped in.”
Sadly, Methodists, Mormons, Baptists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and pagans alike all had something to say regarding God’s newest revelation.