Georgia Unemployment Rate Destroyed by Thousands of Laid Off Shelf Elves

PHOTO: Mark Baylor

ATLANTA–Georgia’s unemployment rate was on the decline as of October of 2014, when it saw a four-year low of 7.7%. At that time, it was down from over 10% in 2010. But an influx of jobless elves previously on shelves has pushed that number back up once more in an uptick not felt by the rest of the country.

Georgia homeowners say they already employ between one and two mess makers year round: their kids.

“I don’t see why we need more mess making or mischief doing,” said Marcy Panne, homemaker and particle physicist. “The kids expect the elf to do mischief regardless of whether they’ve been good enough to warrant it or not. It’s labor inequality if you ask me. These miscreants should learn to knit or something.”

Santa Claus released a statement urging Georgians to reconsider having scout elves all year long.

“Ho, ho ho! I do wish people could find room for elves,” said Santa Claus, one-man sleigh-bound package delivery company. “They bring joy to the children’s faces, ho ho ho! Wait, was that two hos or three? Ho? Ho.”