Georgia Lawsuit Will Argue for Marriages to Guns

PHOTO: Michael Martelli

ATLANTA, GA–A lawsuit brought by two human/firearm Georgia couples will argue that marriages between human beings and guns should be legal. Georgia now boasts some of the most permissive gun laws in the state, allowing licensed owners to bring guns to schools, bars, and to hold them under the noses of the unarmed while shouting the word “America” repeatedly.

Peter Schooteur, 54, one of the people hoping to eventually legally marry his firewarm said, “To me, freedom is all about showing the rest of America, and indeed the world, that guns are awesome. So awesome that they are objects of both romantic and physical sexual attraction.” Schooteur then symbolically licked his Colt “Peacemaker” revolver.

But law enforcement experts aren’t so sure that a closer relationship with guns is a good idea. X. Cecil Forze, former Hall county Sherriff, said “Oh sure, during the daytime these gun couples are all sunshine and roses, but what happens when the rent’s late and you and your gun have both been drinking? Someone’s gonna get shot, and our data shows that it’s very hard for a gun to shoot itself.”

Griffin Mugat, 62, said he and his Remington Model 1100 shotgun have been romantically involved for many years.

“Guns ain’t like women,” he said. “They can’t just get up and walk out for no reason… well, aside from sustained emotional abuse, of course.”

When pressed for details on the nature of his physical relationship with the shotgun, Mugat said, “Ya just gotta be careful not to let the breech snap shut during sexual congress is all.”

Schooteur and Mugat hope to see their case at trial in spring 2015.