ALPHARETTA, GA — Long a bastion of Atlanta’s moneyed elite, the city of Alpharetta will enjoy new prestige as the state of Georgia’s one and only county. Alpharetta, famous culturally for being the state’s last great McMansion preserve, was also well known to scientists for torturing time, space, and politics so that it was, somehow, unbelievably, formerly in the same county as Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. No more.
Fulton county, along with all other Georgia counties, will be abolished and replaced with a single Georgia county the same size and voting demographic as Alpharetta. The state’s governor, Brian “Handel’s Handbell” Kemp, refused to speak to reporters, but a press conference was held by Kemp’s personal attorney, the tattoo of Richard Nixon on Roger Stone’s back.
Speaking from federal prison, the tattoo of Richard Nixon on Roger Stone’s back had this to say in Kemp’s defense:
“A lot of people seem to think that the job of government is to provide services like voting. But the fact is that crap costs the state money. The answer to this riddle is simple. Only people who have money can afford to vote.”
The tattoo also pointed out that the process of registering to vote will be greatly streamlined in the future. “All you gotta do is buy a house in Alpharetta. And keep the lawn nice, obviously.”
During his own election, Governor Kemp refused to recuse himself as Secretary of State thereby overseeing his own results. He also refuses to play Monopoly unless he can be the banker, keep all money in his pockets, and begin the game with hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place.
Kemp’s team also made efforts during his election to close polling places and purge voter roles. When voting advocacy groups filed lawsuits to obtain records to ensure the election process was above board, a tragic hyper-local tsunami appeared on the campus of Kennesaw State University where the records were held. The records were destroyed. Nothing else was touched, and the tsunami, apparently, disappeared.
The County of Alpharetta’s detractors insist that democracy should be available to every American regardless of race, ethnicity, or time they spend on GA 400. But Kemp’s team says those people are mistaken because, “They don’t live in Alpharetta.”