WASHINGTON, DC — As shown in the above official White House photo, robotic versions of John Boehner and Joe Biden were installed for last night’s State of the Union address. Their creators, robotics scientists from Georgia Tech, say the machines performed perfectly.
“The problem is,” said Craig Flipwood, Ph.D., leader of the robotics team, “No human being can sit still and look pensive long enough for the State of The Union broadcast. Our robots, on the other hand, can perform this task indefinitely.”
The White House revealed earlier this week that, thanks to the rise of distracting elements like Facebook and Twitter, Americans are losing their ability to focus on a Presidential address.
“People just aren’t looking at the President as much,” White House speech writer Marcia Plarper intimated via phone. “They’re tweeting and status updating their own dumb thoughts about the future of our country. The last thing we need is a restless Biden or Boehner in the background, fidgeting around, thereby diluting what attention we do get.”
Realizing social media’s effect on American attention spans after the 2011 State of The Union address, the Obama White House held a request for bids, eventually awarding Flipwood’s Georgia Tech robotics team the contract.
“We could not be more pleased to have done our part for The President,” Flipwood stated. “My only hope is that the robots don’t encounter any sort of freak electrical occurrence or radiation of any kind that would cause them to enable the weapons-grade lasers we installed in their eye sockets for some reason.”
Flipwood then added, “But I’m sure that will never happen.”