GA 400 Adds Extra Soul-Sucking Lane

By the time you see these buildings you'll have lost all will to live. PHOTO: Evilarry

ATLANTA–The Georgia DOT announced the opening of a new lane on 400 today, increasing the overall soul-sucking of the heavy traffic area by 15%.

Commuters who otherwise might have arrived at work with a shred of motivation to get anything at all done once there will now be utterly devoid of not only that motivation, but most of their will to live.

“It’s quite simple,” DOT Commissioner Lane Block revealed to Atlanta Banana reporters in his office Monday morning, “People want to make the most money they can, which means they have to work in town, but they also want the biggest house they can get and good schools, so they have to live in Alpharetta.”

The city of Alpharetta, also known as Atlanta’s salon-dyed hairdo, is 27 gut-wrenching happiness-draining miles up 400 from Atlanta, and a popular affluent suburb.

“We do what we can to service the needs of the people who live north of the city, which is why we’ve opened this extra lane to help suck the air out of their very souls more quickly,” Block added.

Atlanta Banana reporters spoke with Fran C. Paentz, investment banker and GA 400 commuter.

“Oh yeah, the use of the new lane really makes a big difference,” Paentz stated. “Formerly I’d have maybe been able to get something done before lunch on a given Monday, but now I just space out on the Internet until I see something amusing enough to rekindle my desire to go on living.”

The new lane may help, but DOT Commissioner Block paints a grim picture of the future.

“The only thing that would be worse for the city’s working public’s morale than a trip down GA 400 in rush hour would be to deck them right in the face every morning as they exit their vehicles at the workplace,” Block intimated. “Unfortunately, we do not have the manpower to do that, so we’re sticking with 400 for now.”


  1. Yeah….funny stuff. I would modify Block’s comment to read “The only thing that would be worse for the city’s working public’s morale than a trip down GA 400 in rush hour would be……to travel GA 400 north during rush hour”. Mind numbing on both ends. Just north of Alpharetta 400 goes from a four lane rush to a two lane merge and crawl….every night and worse on Friday. Now, some relief is on the way?..One extra lane one exit further….It’s a teaser….just kicking the can “up” 400…or as it will be the “gut wrenching” knotty snarl will just move north.

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