GRADY HOSPITAL — Atlas J. Constance, former television journalist, was admitted to Grady hospital on Tuesday. Discovered passed out at his computer early Monday and rushed to the ER by his wife, his symptoms weren’t life threatening. Their cause had doctors baffled… once they finally admitted him.
Reporters spoke with Constance in his hospital bed Thursday morning.
“I had the cold sweats. I had the hot shakes. Worst of all, I have been suffering from an extremely irascible perineum. Bob here says I could have died, and he speaks in sound bytes, so I listen to him.”
Standing nearby, Robert “Bob” Canager, author of Alien Holistic Medicine and Fashion Design, nodded gravely. “The doctors don’t know. No one knows! He could be dead right now.”
Mr Constance’s chart bore the following note from the attending physician:
“Mr Constance has no adverse medical conditions, aside from his itchy perineum, but he will only listen to his associate’s sound bytes. He dismisses my medical opinion as ‘too long for TV.’
It is for this reason that I diagnose Mr. Constance as an asshole.”
When confronted with the doctor’s note, Constance broke down.
“All right, all right, it’s true. I faked passing out in hopes the doctors could help me with the real problem. I think I’m addicted to wild conjecture! You know, blowing things out of proportion! It’s driving me insane!”
Constance claims that his former employment as a mainstream media journalist exposed him to such pure, uncut conjecture and wild-ass speculation that he became irrevocably addicted.
“You know,” Constance continued, “Like when you’re reporting on any scientific achievement ever, and you allude to time travel? Oh god, that’s choice. Or like how anyone who has ever touched a computer for work purposes is a ‘hacker’? God I’m getting off just talking about it.”
Despite his best efforts, Constance was unable to find gainful employment as a reporter following the layoffs that ended his career. His only recourse was to glean whatever conjecture and baseless speculation joys he could on the Internet.
“It’s just not the same,” he complained, of Internet conjecture, “Everyone’s just making up shit on the Internet. When you make shit up on TV people listen! God I miss it.”
After shaking his head for a full minute, he added “I miss it so much I just want to piss.”