ATLANTA–A consortium of climate scientists have announced this morning that the first relatively cold day of the year in Atlanta proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that global warming is bullshit. Dr. Redd Stateman, team leader, contacted Atlanta Banana reporters by phone this morning.
“As anyone can plainly see, the weather today is brisk on my naked skin,” he said. “Clearly erasing all evidence that the entire planet, over a series of many years, is warming incrementally.”
Reporters pointed out that the gradual warming of our Earth’s climate is a proven fact, researched and peer reviewed countless times.
“Nope,” said Stateman. “It’s chilly outside in Atlanta, so no way. Nope, nope, hell naw, fuck that.”
Stateman went on to point out that global warming trends would be further disproven later on in the year when Atlanta gets even colder, and possibly even snows once or twice.
“Of course there are side effects even with the light, pansy-ass snow we get here in Atlanta, like insane parents clearing grocery store shelves of milk and bread, but the best part of winter days is the peace of mind that the Earth is not actually getting warmer.”
When pressed to explain how Atlanta’s cold weather isn’t negated by the Southern Hemisphere getting progressively warmer during that time, Dr. Stateman pointed out that “everyone there is poor,” and thus does not count.
“Seriously, screw them.” Stateman concluded.