Filibuster Champion Accused Of Doping

I'm not doping. You're doping. Oh wait, I am doping.

WASHINGTON D.C. — The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency brought formal doping charges against reigning filibuster champion, former U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond, according to a letter sent to U.S. Justice Department on Tuesday.

A source at the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency said the doping plan put in place for the 1957 record, with Thurmond’s knowledge, included an aide to the Senator with a bottle full of amphetamine salts, which are sold under the brand name Adderall today. The plan was to dispense the performance enhancer to Thurmond to keep him going and focused.  “He allowed others to make short remarks and ask questions during his time, allowing him to sneak off to the cloakroom to down a couple of Adderall tablets and, ironically, a cup of black coffee,” the source says.

As a result of the charges, Mr. Thurmond’s filibuster record of 24 hours and 18 minutes has been invalidated. The 2nd place record holder, former U.S. Senator Alfonse D’Amato of New York, has been moved into the number one slot.  D’Amato spoke for 23 hours and 30 minutes on an important military bill in 1986.