MENLO PARK, CA — Facebook’s myriad of highly trained lawyers are suffering this week under the pressure of status updates revoking any claim Facebook may have had to that user’s personal data.
“Oh god. I need air! Air!” screamed Hattie Cussfinch, Facebook’s chief legal counsel during an interview Tuesday morning. Once calmed down, Cussfinch was able to give a more coherent statement.
“Users are updating their statuses with legal-ish sounding crap about revoking Facebook’s access to their private data,” Cussfinch said.
She went on to say that the users use of language in their statuses that could be called “legalish” by an “untrained idiot,” meant that the statuses controvert all the rights each user signed away by clicking “I Agree” when they signed up for Facebook in the first place.
“We’re having to go through our massive databases by hand to make sure we don’t accidentally access any of the hilarious memes these uses are reposting to one another,” said Cussfinch. “Like the one about Mondays. Or about how they drink wine and don’t exercise.”
Cussfinch required a moment to calm herself again, then continued. “Facebook may not survive this,” she added. “Nor, indeed, might any of my team.”