ATLANTA — In a shocking development late yesterday evening, a political argument on social networking site Facebook resulted in someone changing their mind. The 72-post thread, mostly between acquaintances John Fitz and Gerald Page, began when Fitz postulated that Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum was clearly the least desirable candidate in recent memory. That prompted Page to respond with an impassioned defense of his choice for the worst candidate in history, Georgia’s own Newt Gingrich.
“I mean, the nerve of that guy saying that Santorum was worse,” began Page. “Sure, Rick’s got that whole Google problem, the fact that he wants to turn America into Jesusistan, and the cuddling-a-dead-baby-for-hours thing…but worse than Newt? C’mon.”
In a string of consecutive posts, Page established Gingrich’s worst-candidate credentials by posting links quoting everyone with whom Newt served in Congress.
“Nobody said anything good,” Fitz admitted. “Actually, they made serving with him sound akin to having some sort of flesh-eating bacterial infection…if that flesh-eating bacteria could only feed on human testicles and simultaneously caused global warming and Carrot Top’s career.”
Page wasn’t finished, however. He followed up his initial argument by calling attention to Gingrich’s two divorces and current marriage to the seemingly part human, part deranged nightmare-bird Callista.
“Gerald’s right. He can’t possibly run as a family values candidate,” Fitz allowed. “And what’s with his wife? Christ, she scares the shit out of me. I can’t imagine looking at that for four more years. Those eyes freeze your soul.”
Page then went for the rhetorical kill. “Newt promised to build a moon base by the end of his second term. Are you listening? A BASE ON THE GODDAMN MOON,” he yelled. “This lunatic fuckwit isn’t fit to be a second-string human target for poop-flinging monkeys at the zoo.”
Fitz made a halfhearted attempt to point out Santorum’s weird, totally heterosexual obsession with gay sex and his fervent belief that Satan is under his bed, but he knew he had been bested. “I don’t know what to say,” he mumbled. “I changed my mind. Newt Gingrich is the worst presidential candidate in recent memory. Happy now?”
Fitz and Page did manage to agree on one thing, however.
“Obama could probably be caught sodomizing a rubber chicken while burning an American flag, mainlining heroin, and singing NWA’s ‘Fuck the Police’ the week before the election and he’d still mop the floor with either one of these assclowns,” Page lamented.
“Totally,” Fitz added.