MIDTOWN–The so-called Lord of Lies a.k.a. Satan was hard at work last night installing multi-colored walkways of sin in Midtown, which are designed to cause any who walk over them to fall under his sway. Though the walkways appear to be cheerfully rainbow colored, they are, in fact, more evil than fine print.
Any who walk on the Devil’s rainbow crosswalks will experience excruciating pain. They will then shout embarrassing personal details about themselves, then be forced via mind control to disrobe in the full/harsh light of day. They will then have their body parts laughed at by passers by. Sufferers will then do a mind-control naked cowboy dance causing even more laughter, and, finally, they will explode messily.
The Atlanta Banana obtained an interview with Satan himself, dressed in the DOT mandated reflective road worker’s vest at the job site late last night.
“Yessss,” Satan said, his voice a sibilant hiss. “Come and walk on my devilish walkways, unsusssspecting Atlantansssss.” Satan then threw his great horned head back and laughed into the night.
In the distance, probably near 14th street, a wolf howled.