Emory Student Pain So Deep Heated Land Rover Seats Can’t Evaporate the Tears

PHOTO: Daniel Mayer

ATLANTA–Emory student activists were brutalized this week when exposed to sidewalk chalk markings bearing the name of presidential frontrunner Donald Trump on campus. Tears of pain at having their precious minds pierced by the very same name being blasted at them from every corner of the internet and main stream media threatened to do extensive damage to the leather upholstery in their high end cars.

A group of students managed to fight through their blinding rage at having viewed the chalk, onlookers said. They spoke to university president, who dutifully bent over backwards. Unfortunately, coddling simply wasn’t enough.

“Do you know how much it costs to get tears and snot out of a Range Rover leather seat?” bellowed Dusty Pirkins, Gender Indeterminate Non-Factual Research major. “Well, I don’t, but you can bet my Dad does!”

“We had no idea we’d be exposed to facts when we came to college,” screamed Summer Frock-Waters, basket blanket artisan. She then collapsed onto her AMG Mercedes, spilling a delicious mocha latte onto a smartphone the size of a baking sheet and howling, “My pain is so real and it’s my pain!”

University leadership was at a loss for ways to further recognize the student body’s concerns.

“I mean, we already wrote an open letter,” said university spokesperson Rivers Crimea. “I guess we could build a wall around campus, maybe-”

Crimea was cut off by a shrieking Frock-Waters, who appeared to be recording a video selfie. “Why isn’t there a way for people to record their feelings about who should be president?” she demanded. “Like a way we could go somewhere and tell people who we want and they would tweet it to the government or something? Why?! Blaaa!!”

Land Rover’s US representatives could not be reached as of press time, but sources report that tears are, indeed, a problem for leather upholstery.


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