Editorial: Devil Says Sunday Sales Suck

PHOTO: Greencolander, Flickr

HELL — Hey guys, it’s me, The Devil! LOL. Just rappin’ at ya from my throne of skulls down here in the so-called “lake of eternal fire.” NOT. Lake of eternal awesome, more like! Anyways, I keep a pretty close eye on you guys in Atlanta, and I just wanted you all to know this Sunday Sales thing is bullshit.

Listen. The ol’ Devilator’s glory days have come and gone. You guys weren’t around back in my heyday, but it was the tits, believe me. Plagues, crusades, inquisitions… hot pokers pretty much everywhere you looked. Today, not so much.

See, the farther people are from the indulgences they want, the better life is for me. Kinda hard to be busy as the Father of Lies if there’s nothing to lie about, ya know? This freakin’ Internet thing has got everyone twittering and facebooking about their stupid atheism and next thing you know there’s no religion to be the Devil of!

Not to mention nowadays we got people looking at porn on their phones, girls gettin’ nakey on their web cams for no reason at all — shit, I saw some UGA co-eds flash a stack of brand new web cams in a Best Buy two weeks ago in case one was hooked up!

So with all that going on, now one of my favorite religious holdouts, the great city of Atlanta, decides to let people buy booze on Sunday? What next, Atlanta? Separation of church and state? Hahahaha!!!

Oh man, I love that one. “Separation of church and state,” but you have to say God every third word if you want to get elected. Priceless!

Anyway, look, you guys are gonna do what you want to do, and I’ve certainly had a great run, but I just wanted to let you know that Sunday Sales suck ass. LOL.

OK that’s it for me, the Big Red D. Have a great weekend, and go to church! The real church, you douchebags, not Sister Louisa’s! LOLOL!!!!