Doctors Report that Entirety of Journalism has Schizophrenia


BALTIMORE, MD–The news world was rocked today by an announcement from Johns Hopkins Schizophrenia Center diagnosing professional journalism as a whole with schizophrenia. Doctors say the mental disorder usually affects human beings, but in this case, professional journalism as a whole has developed shizophrenia in the course of doing whatever it possibly can to raise ratings.

Schizophrenia Center director Dr. A. Tenshon-Spann says professional journalism’s schizophrenia makes itself plain in a number of ways.

“Information Age journalism is terribly confused,” said Dr. Tenshon-Spann. “The flow of written stories is often jarringly broken by sudden links to other irrelevant news stories, and broadcasts are choked with tweets by uninformed parties. In many cases, broadcasters are covered up by scrolling news tickers. It’s a mess.”

Tenshon-Spann said that such frantic flipping between streams of thought might be acceptable in an entertainment setting, but for supposedly serious news to be so frazzled is “unacceptable and a cause for deep concern.”

At this time, the John Hopkins Schizophrenia Center is reluctant to speculate on possible treatments for professional journalism.

“If it were a single person exhibiting signs, we would have some avenues for treatment,” said Dr. Tenshon-Spann. “Journalism seems to realize that it has a problem, but it does not appear to want to do anything about it.”