Disastrous Results for Atlanta Falcons’ Free Pet Falcon Day

Players keep a watchful eye out for deadly swooping birds of prey. PHOTO: Keith Allison

VINE CITY–At the Georgia Dome on Friday, the Atlanta Falcons’ “Pet Falcon Day” promotional event reaped disastrous consequences for attendees. Fourteen fans were killed and hundreds more injured in what University of Georgia media professor, Caleb Norbit, called “the dumbest marketing decision in the history of forever.”

The first 500 attendees received free, live falcons, brought in from around the world, to be used as pets.

“There was blood everywhere,” said Judy Blanch, a longtime Falcons fan from Vinings. “Feathers all over the place, piles of excrement. And the screeching,” she said before trembling and curling up in a the fetal position. “Oh my god, the screeching…”

“They were everywhere, man,” said a terrified Dave Higgins, a season-ticket holder and plumber. He was sitting in the corner, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. “They were hiding in the rafters, under the seats. They blocked the exits. I swear to God they were talking to each other, like an army. We couldn’t get away. They were everywhere. Everywhere.”

“Pet Falcon Day” was a marketing idea introduced and developed by Sam Cooke, Public Relations coordinator for the Falcons. Cooke brought up the idea in a July board meeting, and the board unanimously supported the plan. Anonymous sources allege the board members were all piss-in-a-houseplant drunk, but so far, the reports are unsubstantiated.

PETA eventually showed up to protest the abuse of the animals. But when spokesperson Joan Underwood saw how much carnage the animals had caused, she said, “Oh, well that’s alright then,” and everyone in the group went home.

A teenager named Brad Stevens snuck into the event and escaped by using a fire extinguisher and another person’s severed arm as a makeshift baseball bat. When he emerged, he was pale and barely able to speak. Before being treated for shock and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, he said, “There were bodies everywhere. Saving Private Ryan didn’t have that much blood. I swear those are devil birds.”

Asked if the stadium would be ready for opening day, Cooke said, “Oh, definitely. The S.W.A.T. team’s on their way. Everything will be okay.”

“‘Everything will be okay’ my ass,” said a board member, who wishes to remain unnamed. “It’s a Stephen-King-nursery-rhyme-horror film in there. ‘Pet Falcon Day?’ What the hell were we thinking?” He shook his head. “Pet F**king Falcon Day…”