Dekalb County School District Declares Science Completely Discovered

An example of some science discovered back before it all got figured out. PHOTO: Eoghanacht

FERNBANK–The Dekalb County School System has plans to stop teaching science to children now that every possible scientific discovery has been made. The plan calls for the immediate closure of the Fernbank Science Center, as well as the public burning of any books describing science.

“It’s quite simple,” announced Hugh G. Mustake, school district spokesman, “We, the American race, have now discovered everything there is to discover in the world, so there’s really no point in teaching Dekalb kids anything about science.”

The plan to eradicate all scientific learning from Dekalb County will begin with the closure of the Fernbank Science Center, which would net the county a much-prized pittance ($4.7M) toward their massive budget overhead ($73M).

“When you go home tonight and turn on your television, do you think you’ll see any famous people there who are all scientific?” Mustake asked. “Our kids do not need science to end up happy and successful like those Jersey Shore people or those Atlanta housewives.”

The School District’s meeting notes list a “telescope in space, numbers that just go up forever and ever,” and “slap bracelets” as examples of things science has come up with that are ultimately useless.

Residents have expressed outrage, forcing the school district to keep the Fernbank Science Center open for now, but Mustake remains nonplussed.

“Yeah the citizens of the county got all up in my face about this, but I don’t know what they are so mad about,” he confirmed. “I asked them all to come up with one thing — just one thing — that science hadn’t invented yet that would change the world and they couldn’t do it.”

“I think that shows you exactly what I’m talking about right there,” he concluded.


  1. Ion drive cars. Traffic free lanes and hover cars. Let’s not get all Idiocracy up in here scro. Ya know, Cuz it says here you’re shits all fucked up ya know. And like, you should uh hehehe ya.

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