ATLANTA–In the wake of the Muppets severing all ties with fast food chain Chick-Fil-A, conservative groups across America have banded together to produce their own children’s puppet group, the Reagles.
“This is a movement that has been brewing for a long time,” said Vernon Wormer, head of Conservatives On Creative Kids Shows. “The Muppets announcement that they’d no longer work with our friends at Chick-fil-a was merely the straw that broke the double-humped freedom horse’s back.”
Like The Muppets, the Reagles will perform skits to help kids learn to count and to read, but they’ll also help provide kids with talking points to defend anti-gay feelings.
“Kids don’t always know that you can defend a seemingly ridiculous political stance by repeating loudly that it is part of your religion,” said Wormer. “They go through elementary school, sometimes even as high as middle or high school, without ever realizing that it is one hundred percent okay to keep gay people from enjoying the same rights as straight ones.”
Wormer’s office provided The Atlanta Banana with a list of Reagle counterparts to popular Muppet characters.
Chet and Irving – Two male friends who live near one another, but not together like Bert and Ernie. Instead of being very different people who find a way to still be friends as Bert and Ernie do, Chet and Irving strive to be as similar as possible, fiercely repressing any feelings of individuality.
Tall Dog – Tall Dog is an analyst at a major consultancy. He strides confidently up and down Brussel Sprout Ave, separating any children he sees who might be hugging.
Felty the Prayer Bear – Instead of telling jokes like the Muppet character Fozzie Bear, Felty composes prayers for the children. He prays for fiscal responsibility, good schools, and a return to family values.