Conservative Vandal: I Will Only Ever Go in the Men’s Bathroom to Smear Feces

PHOTO: Ralf Roletschek

If you think for one minute that I am going to go in the WOMEN’S BATHROOM to do what I do, you are not only sadly mistaken, but a stupid-ass liberal besides. I am a man. I use the men’s bathroom. And when I’m in there, I proudly smear feces around on the walls.

Oh sure, sometimes I also write poop poems with a sharpie. In my more fluid moments I do peepee all over the place. But mostly I just smear my feces on the wall. None of those activities are ever going to be pursued in a women’s bathroom. Why? Because I am a MAN. I have a PENIS. I understand that GENDER is something you are BORN WITH.

You can’t just DECIDE TO BE A DIFFERENT GENDER. Choices are for things like your SEXUALITY, okay? Get it right!

By the way, if you are a proper, conservative Christian FEMALE who was BORN A FEMALE and you are interested in — or, hopefully, already engaged with — the smearing of feces on the walls at Target, hit me up here. We’d make a great team.

This feces isn’t going to smear itself. Trust me.