City Prepares for Drinking “Amateur Night”

PHOTO: Nathan in San Diego, Flickr

PONCEY HIGHLANDS — For most of us, New Year’s Eve is a time for happiness. It is a time to gather together with good friends, a time to reflect on the year passed and the one to come. If one plays one’s cards right, it might even be a time to parlay the mood of year-end wistfulness into an ill-advised make-out session.

Yes, New Year’s Eve can be a great night. Great, that is, for everyone but the city’s drunks, who are even now steeling themselves for the onslaught of amateur drinkers set to infiltrate their favorite bars. Atlanta Banana reporters spoke to some of those drunks to gauge their reactions.

Chad P, Real Estate Agent – “It sucks. I don’t like having my routine of self-destruction thrown into sharp releif by a bunch of fleece-vest-wearing assholes who are enjoying their lives. They think they can just waltz in here and suck down a couple Sugar Crappletinis? Screw them.”

Alison H, Publicist – “I kind of like New Year’s Eve, actually. It brings in new prospects. I flirt with the right guy, he gives me a ride home, and then I give him the worst handjob ever conceived. Ever paid cab fare from the Highlands to Alpharetta? It ain’t cheap.”

Felicia D, Bartender – “I make a lot of money on New Year’s, but the amateurs don’t know how to order a drink. Hey sweetie, maybe ask your dizzy friends and your doofus boyfriend what they want before coming over to the bar and wasting my time, huh?”

Jeff S, Atlanta PD – “These amateurs make it too easy. They’re all like ‘Whats the problem, officer?’ Please, buddy. You really want me to answer that? You’re trying to buckle yourself into a phone booth.”