ATLANTA, GA — The City of Atlanta has a novel approach to the needs of its citizen’s brains. Legislation has been adopted that will allow the privatization of zombie activities within the city limits. A new company, Munchin’ Solutions, doing business as BRAINSAtlanta, has purchased the sole rights to Atlantan brains at an annual guarantee of $5.5 Million dollars to the city.
As of this new legislation, effective November 1, 2009, BRAINSAtlanta’s representatives, known as “life graduates,” took to the streets to service citizens in accordance with the laws, but all was not well. Citizens objected to BRAINSAtlanta’s aggressive brain-eating tactics, and put pressure on city leaders to rein them in.
“I just don’t appreciate them trying to eat my brain all the time,” Fancy Harpness, Atlanta resident, told reporters on Monday. “They’re a lot more pushy about it than the city ever was, and I’m pretty sure I need my brain.”
Harpness went on to state that she never saw zombies in her neighborhood when the city was in charge of brains, but since BRAINSAtlanta took over, even suburban streets are no safe haven.
Harpness added, “You can see them circling the block like vultures in their little white cars, just waiting for a brain to come along. It’s creepy.”
Due to pressure from residents like Harpness and others, city leaders have enacted measures to control BRAINSAtlanta, but this has resulted in even more turmoil. BRAINSAtlanta has since sued the city, claiming that it is not getting the brains to which it is contractually entitled.
Peter Conklin, BRAINSAtlanta spokesperson, held a press conference last month on BRAINSAtlanta’s behalf.
“This is quite a simple issue,” Conklin said. “Our life graduates want to eat — nay, need to eat your tasty, tasty brains. Rather than engage in any spurious behavior, we have entered into a contract with the city to get the gray matter we desire so much. Unfortunately, the city has chosen not to uphold its end of the bargain, and we’re fighting it.”
Just two weeks ago, arbitrators in the disagreement awarded BRAINSAtlanta $3.6 million dollars.
“This is a great day for all life graduates, and for the city of Atlanta,” Conklin told this reporter in his office late Tuesday. “Now why don’t you sit down over here and take off your hat?”
This reporter left through the window.