COLLEGE PARK–Rumors swirl today that the Chick-Fil-a corporation is inadvertently raising some homosexual chickens. Though the company’s political leanings seem to indicate that they believe homosexuality to be a matter of choice than heredity, studies indicate that a certain percentage of their chickens must certainly prefer same-sex partners.
“There’s just no way that could be true,” said B. I. Bullbeater, president of the Chicken Eaters Against Non-Christian Happiness political activist group. “Upon the event of their luxury deaths, those delicious little birds doubtless ascend the golden and firmly heterosexual staircase into Heaven, with nary a gay thought in their little heads.”
Bullbeater was adamant that none of the chickens practiced, or even wanted to practice, homosexuality of any kind. He refused to comment further on the matter, but Atlanta Banana reporters spoke with Red Upperback, chicken sexuality contractor and camouflage truck enthusiast, who claims to have worked for the company.
“Look, we all know when someone is gay,” said Upperback. “You know, you can just tell. It’s the same with the chickens. Whenever we spot a gay one we sell it down the road to one of them organic farms.”
Upperback detailed, via a series of mesh-back-hat-shaped slides and some hand gestures, a rigorous chicken sexuality determination program designed to ensure all their chickens are up to specifications. His slides depicted a suspect male chicken, or “cock.”
“Now, what we do is, we grab the cock firmly at the base as you can see in the photo, apply pressure and a stroking motion, and then we look deep into the eye and recite a prayer. You can tell the gay ones because they won’t maintain eye contact.” said Upperback.
Upperbacks affiliation with the company could not be confirmed as of press time, but he produced a single heterosexual chicken as proof of his methods.
“Just look at him would you?” said Upperback, pointing to the chicken in question, which pecked at the ground in search of food. “Have you ever seen such a strong pecker? You could stick him in a sea of other cocks and he’d still be the strongest pecker of the bunch. Nothing gay about him!”