ATLANTA–The Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued their annual Spring warning for 2012, focusing on dangers from pollen, sexually-transmitted diseases, and, for the first time ever, festival season promotional codes.
“Promo codes are everywhere this year,” lamented Don Orreia, the CDC spokesman. “A recent study showed that roughly 93% of springtime Facebook posts involve promo codes. Festival season in Atlanta is off the charts in terms of Promo-Code Umbrage and Shock Syndrome, or PUSS for short.”
According to the study cited by Orreia, the dangers of promo code use begin when otherwise ordinary festival-goers actively solicit participation by friends and acquaintances, usually on social networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter. Promotional codes are posted online repeatedly, and we mean REPEATEDLY, as a way to reduce the cost of admission to the never-ending parade of Atlanta festivals, which are composed primarily of long lines for beer. It is believed that possessing a promotional code imbues a person with a false sense of self-importance, which in turn leads to more people desiring a code of their own. As a result, promo codes spread exponentially like some sort of electronic whooping herpes.
To demonstrate the dangers of these evil online inventions, we interviewed a typical target. “Three years ago, I didn’t even know what a promo code was,” stated Kim Mittia, 26, a Grant Park resident and avid festival attendee. “Now I can’t log into Facebook without seeing them plastered all over my wall. They’re annoying as all hell…but you know, I might try to get one of my own. I have the best group of friends by FAR, they’d totally buy tickets from me, and I swear I wouldn’t be nearly as insufferable as all these other assclowns.”
Orreia fears that promo code use will soon reach a sort of critical mass, with more codes in circulation than actual tickets. “It could collapse the social networking world upon itself,” he opined. “Last year I saw more PUSS at Atlanta festivals than I had ever seen before. I fear that party-goers this year, and women in particular, will show even more PUSS than that, if that’s even possible.”
When asked about the other items in the CDC report, Orreia added, “Oh yeah. Take a Claritin, wear a condom. You know the drill.”