Cat Catches Self Almost Giving a Shit About Human Suffering

You can has injury? PHOTO: Anna Yoo

ATLANTA–As the toddler yanked for the third time on the cord of the hot iron on the ironing board above his young face, Chester Fluffington, a Mackerel tabby cat who lives with the Cantor family of Cleburne Terrace, caught himself very nearly giving a shit about the possibility of the hot iron toppling onto, and untimately scalding, the child’s face.

Chester, who was hanging out atop the bookcase and absentmindedly licking his own butthole at the time of the incident, observed little Tommy pulling on the cord just as his mother looked away for an instant. The cat paused between butthole licks and, for a fleeting moment, thought he should probably do something. Then his natural feline inclination to give a shit about absolutely nothing, least of all human suffering, flooded back in, and even his own butthole seemed boring.

The iron would certainly have burned the child’s skin, and probably could have caused blunt force injuries as well. Permanent disfigurement is a very real concern given the forces involved. Any other mammal would certainly have felt concern for the child that would transcend language and species. Not this time.

Reports as of press time are unclear on the incident’s outcome, containing only a few short sentences about napping in a sunbeam shining into the spare room.