Braves Promise Forced March to New Stadium will be Trail of Smiles

Hey, gang. Are you ready to wait in traffic? GOOD.

ATLANTA–The Atlanta Braves baseball team announced yesterday a surprise move from Turner Field, situated near the center of town, to Cobb County, situated near the city’s landfills. The move comes as a surprise to fans, who already struggle to get to the stadium via the city’s nearly nonexistent mass transit.

“Trust us, this move may take us even farther from MARTA, but that doesn’t mean it’s not smarta,” said Otto Fizmind, Braves team spokesperson.

Though Atlanta’s rail transit is dense nowhere in the city, Cobb County represents the worst of the bad. Fearing the city’s non-whites would use mass transit to travel to their suburban neighborhoods to sell drugs and commit gang violence near their one-brick-wall-on-the-road-side homes, Cobb residents voted down the referendum to fund MARTA.

The lack of easy access to mass transit doesn’t seem to faze the Braves, however.

“It’s going to be so great,” said Fizmind. “Really! Just awesome. You’re gonna love it. And if you don’t, well, we’re doing it anyway.”

Fizmind also hinted that once the new Cobb stadium is built, construction of a second Braves stadium on the surface of the planet Venus will begin, where anyone who can afford to attend will be crushed to death by the planet’s fearsome atmospheric pressure.


  1. Its such crap that the new stadium in 2037 is going to be on Venus. There is no way MARTA will be going there by then. Can the Braves make it any more obvious that they don’t want low income people at their games??

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