Basement Denizen Single On Purpose

A gross couple kissing in a park PHOTO: Archibald Ballantine, Flickr

MARIETTA — Hello, humans. Clark Sealby here with an open letter just so everyone knows what’s going on. Valentine’s is approaching once again — like a crappy unskippable cutscene in a mediocre game — and before you guys tell me to get out of the house and “meet people,” just realize that I am single on purpose.

You see, there simply aren’t any girls in Atlanta that interest me. The girls here are shallow, unintelligent, and most of all, turned off by my fat.

The last time I let Mom talk me into going on a date, I put a fake photo on Match dot com of a guy with his shirt off and muscles everywhere. It was a disaster. Can you believe it? The woman actually acted like I was a dick for tricking her. Hey lady, you’re the one who said she cared more about what was on the inside!

It’s not my fault I was born with a normal human metabolism that causes my body to store excess calories as fat, you insensitive harlot! I can’t be expected to deal with that kind of logical inconsistency.

She even had the gall to call me out for renting a basement apartment, which is just simple economics. Sure, my mom is my landlord and there’s not a separate entrance to the house or anything, but WTF? I’m a tenant! I barter for my lodgings by helping with her cat grooming business’s web site.

Mom tells me all the time that the right girl will come along and see how special I am, so if you’re out there, just make sure you are tall and know how to cook. I’m not going to settle for anything less than the best.

In summary: Get a clue, Atlanta girls. You’ve already missed your chance with me. Obviously the other men in this town are falling for your schemes, but not me. I’m going to go to Japan or Russia and meet a woman who really knows how to take care of a man.

As far as you’re concerned, though, I’m single on purpose.