ATLANTA — As part of a sweeping marketing push by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, billboards over Atlanta have been emblazoned with smiling, attractive faces, and the words “I’m a mormon.” Some of the Mormons pictured are riding motorcycles. Others are enjoying the great outdoors, but the message is the same: Mormons are normal people.
With Mitt Romney, a Mormon, on the cusp of becoming the Republican nominee for President, surely there’s never been a better time to remind the country that there’s nothing more normal than a Mormon. They forego coffee, tea, alcohol, and premarital sex just like the rest of us. Every day they wake up, put their pants on a leg at a time, and forcefully bury any homosexual feelings they may have have deep, deep down lest they burn forever in an eternal pit of hellfire.
Unfortunately, the marketing campaign has had an unintended collateral effect. Atlanta’s morons, dim of wit and woefully unable to spell, are becoming increasingly emboldened by the billboards in the mistaken belief that the people pictured are morons, not Mormons.
The Atlanta Banana met with Dr. Edward Peters, a doctor of Philosophy. He had a poster of Rasputin, and a beard down to his knee. “Morons are hard people to explain anything to, because their brains are essentially mush,” he revealed. “They make snap — usually wrong — judgements about whatever they’re confronted with, and rarely listen to reason. When we try to point out their errors in the lab, our test morons accuse us of ‘judging’ them, and go right on being profoundly stupid.”
Reporters met with a local moron willing to speak to us on the sidewalk at Peachtree and 14th street.
“I just think it’s great that one of our kind had the cash to remind the rest of us that we’re people too,” said Phil Decklund, 35. When reporters pointed out that the billboards were, in fact, not directed at him or his kind in any way, Decklund interrupted by making a farty noise with his mouth.
He then added, “I ain’t stupid, you know.”