Atlantans Would Rather Watch Actual Hawks than Atlanta Hawks

Soarers gonna soar, y'all. PHOTO: Jesse Taylor

ATLANTA — According to a study conducted by Dr. Gno Won, leader of the local Audoban Society chapter, the majority of Atlantans would rather watch hawks, the species of bird, than the Atlanta Hawks, Atlanta’s professional basketball team.

“The results, while understandable, were nonetheless surprising,” said Dr. Won. “We estimated a seventy-thirty split in favor of the Atlanta Hawks, but eighty-nine percent of people claimed they’d rather watch birds.”

Stanley Cherub, a participant in the study, explained his preference. “I mean, sure, they screech really loud and just float around and stare at things… That’s all that stupid team does.”

Dr. Won has a few more theories explaining these rather unexpected results. One factor is high ticket and concession prices. “In Philips Arena, it costs more to buy a bucket of popcorn than a hooker named Philip,” said Dr. Won.

He also mentioned the unenthusiastic, listless, sparse crowds, and how that can affect moral. “You know when you see other people yawn, and it makes you yawn? Well, when you hear the PA announcer yawn, and you see the coach’s eyes half-closed, and there are a couple players asleep on the bench… It makes you wonder why Ticketmaster classifies it as ‘Entertainment.’”

The poll also included a handful of season-ticket holders, many of whom purchased their tickets out of admitted ignorance or sheer stupidity. Some received them as gifts. “My dad bought me a season-ticket package a year ago as a Christmas present,” said Jerry Davenport, a banker in Buckhead. “Most useless thing he’s ever gotten me. I wish he’d just given me a stapler again.”

Davenport, like most of those polled, said he’d “absolutely” rather watch actual hawks. He cited their grace, courage, vision, resilience, killer instinct, speed, and enthusiasm. “I don’t see none of that at ball games,” he said. “There’s more action at an anorexic eating contest.”