ATLANTA–Atlanta police spokesman Doug Nutt announced to assembled reporters that the arch plan of the so-called “Weave Thieves” was finally discovered this week when an alleged member of the notorious smash-and-grab gang was apprehended.
“Thanks to some fine police work, the grace of God, and a little luck, we have managed to not only detain but to successfully question an individual believed to be one of the Weave Thieves,” Nutt announced. “We now believe that they stole the hair to line the giant nest of arch Atlanta nemesis Osama Bird Laden.”
Gasps erupted from assembled journalists, and questions erupted from every corner of the room. Doug Nutt called for order, finally calming the crowd after some minutes.
Bird Laden, result of a CIA experiment gone horribly wrong, is a horrific man bird whose whereabouts have long been sought after by police.
“Bird Laden has three goals in life,” Nutt continued when order had been restored. “Eating worms, having a comfortable nest, and kicking the shit out of Atlanta. He must be stopped.”
Bird Laden’s minions have been engaged in a smash-and-grab war on the city’s barbers and hair salons, during which they jam a car into the business’s building, breaking windows and causing thousands of dollars of damage. The villains then run in and grab as much human hair as they can, and finally deliver the hair to Bird Laden for nest building purposes.
A videotape of someone claiming to be Osama Bird Laden was delivered to major news outlets in a nondescript paper bag, but the message was in the form of whistles and chirps. Authorities were unable to decipher it as of press time, but ornithologists have been called in to assist police.
“We can only hope that Bird Laden isn’t actually behind this,” concluded Doug Nutt, “but if he is, he’s likely to take a giant white poop on our city.”