ATLANTA–Reports that yet another summer vacation is fast approaching have caught Atlanta teachers completely off guard, sources have told the Banana. Educators across the city were horrified to learn that an extended break was once again looming on the horizon.
“I had no idea it would be this soon,” lamented Betsy Ross, a history and civics teacher at a Buckhead high school. “It seems like just yesterday when I spent the entire month of October trying to get these yammering cretins to memorize U.S. presidential succession. I hadn’t even looked at the schedule to figure out that there were exactly nineteen teaching days until Spring Break, and that there were thirty-two days after that until summer starts. That’s 357 teaching hours, give or take, but it’s not like I’ve started marking each individual soul-sucking class period off my calendar with a Sharpie or anything.”
Midtown-area biology teacher Clara Phill was equally shocked. “Are you kidding? I don’t have nearly enough time to teach these amazing children, who are not at all the spawn of Satan, everything they need to know about photosynthesis. Is there somewhere I can go to complain? I just love the mind-numbing, seemingly eternal days that I’m privileged to get to spend with my kids. This really sucks.”
The official Atlanta school calendar shows that classes will be dismissed for the summer on May 22. Teachers will report back on or around the first of August, after spending over two miserable months away from their precious students and fun-filled classrooms that aren’t painful, tedious drudgery in any way, shape, or form.
“I really don’t have time to fantasize about lounging around my apartment complex’s pool all summer,” added Sandy Springs algebra teacher Renee Descartes. “Who could possibly imagine hot, lazy poolside days, cocktail and trashy celebrity magazine in hand, when I have so little time to instill a love of polynomials into these disturbingly hormonal, brain-dead, Bieber-loving little shitbeasts? Not me, I’ll tell you that.”