Atlanta Symphony Orchestra Spends OutKast Concert Sobbing Bitterly

PHOTO: Jonas Ristaniemi

ATLANTA–The Atlanta Symphony Orchestra was spotted this weekend attending OutKast’s three packed shows en masse, sobbing bitterly and attempting to console one another. Though none of the currently-locked-out ASO musicians could afford to attend the show, the entire orchestra was allowed to stand nearby to listen. Security and police said early in the afternoon that they “didn’t have the heart” to ask the symphony to go home.

Bassoonists and tympanists alike blotted tears with neckties and handkerchiefs.

“We love OutKast,” said Phil Honkar, second chair trumpeter, choking back sobs heard as halfhearted notes on his instrument. “We just wish we could get a tenth of this kind of support from the city. Oh god, someone help us!”

The ASO musicians, currently not performing due to a contract dispute, say they could fund an entire year of their performances for a fraction of what the ATLast festival generated in a single evening.

“Just look around! Obviously this city loves culture,” said flutist Earnest Teuter, gesturing emphatically with his instrument and nearly losing the mouthpiece. “Why can’t they love us too?” Teuter was later asked to please stop shouting through the gates, begging ATLast attendees on blankets to “try blanketing at an orchestra event just one time.”

Police finally urged the symphony to go home and get some rest Sunday evening, saying that everything would look better in the morning.