Atlanta Police Department Calls For New Lies

If you think traffic is bad as a citizen, try being heavily armed and not shooting anyone in the face. PHOTO: Dave Connor

ATLANTA–Police department officials have released a statement today pleading with the city to come up with some new lies, having heard the regular ones more times than anyone cares to count.

Below is an excerpt from the statement:

The Atlanta Police Department would appreciate it if its citizens could please come up with some new lies to tell us. We promise, in return, to do our very best to believe as many as we can.

Reporters spoke with Sgt. O. Siffer, APD, this morning about the statement.

“Look, cops know that people are going to do stuff they shouldn’t. That isn’t gonna change,” Siffer stated. “But it would really make my life, and the lives of my fellow police officers, a whole lot better if we could come up with a few new lies for perps to tell us.”

The sergeant pointed out that the daily life of a police officer in Atlanta is comprised of many long hours of complete and total boredom interspersed with occasional moments of life-threatening excitement.

“The problem is, we have to stay sharp during all that boredom in order to keep our citizens and ourselves as safe as possible. When I hear a really boring falsehood I just want to lay down on the ground and fire my sidearm into the air until everyone shuts up.” Siffer continued.

“As much fun as that is, it’s not very safe,” he concluded.

Siffer provided a list of a few suggestions of new lies he’d like to hear alongside the boring old versions. Below are his comments:

Boring Lie: “Those aren’t my drugs” – Okay first of all, yes they are your goddamn drugs, but it doesn’t matter anyway because they’re in your pocket, car, or house.

Better Option: “I collect pet dander” – This is a great example of something a citizen could say to change my day up just a little bit. Of course, I’m gonna know they’re drugs anyway, but at least I won’t be about to leap out a window just to break up the monotony.

Boring Lie: “I didn’t know it was stolen” – Oh really? How interesting. Oh and also, yes you mother-ballsing did. Your rap sheet is a two-page epic poem about car theft.

Better Option: “I just leaped into this body” – Why not toss in a few old school pop culture references? I’m old enough to get them. I loved that show Quantum Leap back in the 80s.