Atlanta Mayor Realizes Married Gays Won’t Explode, Destroy Earth

Two recently-married gays can explode with the force of a supernova, destroying the earth, says FOX News. PHOTO: Jose Antonio Navas

ATLANTA–In a stunning turn of events, Atlanta mayor Joaquin Sneed realized this week that his understanding of the consequences of gay marriage was a bit exaggerated. Same sex couples who are allowed to marry and enjoy all the benefits of their union will not, in fact, according to the Mayor, explode with the force of a supernova, destroying the Earth and all life upon it.

Sneed claims his misunderstanding was fueled by fact sheets distributed by the FOX News corporation to all congressmen, senators, state governors, and mayors of the top ten metropolitan areas in the US.

“That’s my bad, folks,” said the Mayor. “I was operating on the information that a same sex union would cause the married persons to convert directly to energy, thus exploding in a burst of superheated particles in a size commiserate with their mass according to Einstein’s E=mc^2 formula, thus destroying Earth and possibly the universe.”

This is a particularly prescient time to support same sex unions, as most of the craggy old grumps who oppose it are exiting their twilight years into the great beyond from which they cannot vote or finance campaigns.

“Harumph! The sanctity of marriage is of utmost importance!” said Chester Wrinklefeather III, 95-year-old curmudgeon and gay marriage opponent. “Otherwise, my wife would have abandoned me long ago and I’d have to die alone.”

But many citizens support the Mayor’s announcement.

“I’m so proud of the Mayor,” said Pat Riarkey, mother of two and cat haberdasher. “It really took guts to support gay marriage after the City Council news last week made it clear the city would reward him for it.”