ATLANTA–An otherwise normal weather system made the critical mistake of passing over Texas this week, where it contacted the Ebola virus. The virus was proclaimed unable to be transmitted over the air by scientists and doctors, but encouraged to do so instead by baseless speculation and gossip. It decided to do the latter, because it is a sentient evil entity that hates America.
“We are seeing families ripped apart, flung high into the air, and infected with Ebola,” said Dr. Randolph “Ran” Eiday, “The disease then hacks their iPhones, posts their nudes to Twitter and Facebook, and gives them a second, even more devastating case of Ebola.”
Eiday then took a labored breath, and continued. “Also, traffic is bad,” he said.
Citizens are encouraged to burrow into their foundations, using kitchen utensils if necessary, but warned to remember to bring their internet-connected devices with them so the Christmas retail season doesn’t suffer.
“We will all be dead from Ebola,” said Dr Eiday. “But, I mean, you know. Christmas.”