Area Schools’ Perfect 2014 Record Ruined by Return of Students


ATLANTA, GA–Atlanta Public Schools perfect 2014 record of no arrests, fatalities, or shitty questions was destroyed utterly this morning when schools were forced to once again accept the return of students. The children have been on holiday break since some time in late 2013. They were due to return to school yesterday, Jan 7th, but the schools managed to convince the city to allow an extra school-free day due to cold weather.

“We bought an extra day with that cold weather crap,” said Superintendent Floyd Pinkton. “But we knew sooner or later we’d probably have to take the little monsters in again.”

Pinkton says one child somewhere in the metro Atlanta area will probably manage to “fall and cut itself,” on the way into his or her school, sending the school’s injury record straight into the toilet before classes will even begin.

“Kids are freakin’ dumb. No amount of brightly colored construction paper is gonna change that.” said Pinkton.

Pinkton added that ten years ago the older children were able to walk around without hurting themselves, injuring themselves instead with vehicles or handguns, but now often fell down steps or off balconies while walking and texting.