Aquarium to Schedule Funerals for Big Fish at Giant Toilet

Photo: AzRainman

ATLANTA, GA – After one too many mornings walking into work to see a 20 ton whale shark or beloved Beluga floating dead at the top of the tank, Aquarium executive, Beth Firestone, started thinking. “We go to a lot of trouble and expense tearing these fish from their natural habit and family units. And while we do rake it in on ticket and plush toy sales, when flipper bites the liquid dust our profits tend to take a hit. But just because they’re dead, does the money party have to stop? Let’s squeeze out those last remaining dollars with a good old fashion, fish funeral.”

The idea was well received by the Aquarium’s marketing department who had grown tired of pumping millions into Bubbles the Beluga or Wilbur the Whale shark only to watch their aquatic branding efforts go down the proverbial drain with an early demise. “It’s not like we can get a refund from the Pacific Ocean, said Marketing Director, Dagberto Moya. “The investment in a giant toilet to flush these lovable losers was a no brainer. If little Timmy can do it with his goldfish, we can get a crane, an oversized john and give these fish the send off they deserve. And we’ll sell tickets too.”

While Aquarium officials are optimistic about the success of the fishy funerals, a visitor was less than enthused. “That’s great. I shell out an ass load of my hard earned cash taking my 4 year old to see Smiley the happy dolphin. I buy him the book, the stupid stuffed animal and then Smiley goes belly up. Not only do I have to have to ‘the talk’ about how Smiley went to the fish bowl in the sky, but now this place wants more of my money to watch the big flush? Thank you, but I’d rather stand in line at Six flags in July.”

The creation of any new aquarium exhibit is never simple and one with an enormous toilet posed its own unique problems. Mr. Moya said, “First, where do you get one that big? You can’t find a 50 ft crapper at the local hardware store. We’re just lucky a failing Mexican amusement park had one to sell.”

There were also significant plumbing issues to coordinate. Flushing an object as large as a school bus is no easy task and special adjustments had to be made to the city’s sewage system at a semi-reasonable cost to Atlanta tax payers. Where the fish/mammals go once they’re flushed is still unclear, but an inside source was quoted as saying, “That’s Alabama’s problem.”


  1. Well the dead dolphin now smell inside the drain? I think they better bury the dead dolphin in the land than let is make another problem, who knows where the fish stay or comes out?

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