Anonymous Op-Ed from Brian Kemp’s Office: Voting Totally Secure, Paper Ballots Suck, Brian Kemp Rules

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Artist's conception of the anonymous article author known as Notbrian

ATLANTA,GA–An anonymous source claiming to be a “señor official” [sic] inside Secretary of State Brian Kemp’s office released an opinion piece this week. Text of the piece follows:

My fellow Georgians, I and the other secret patriots in the great office of the handsome, charming, and brilliant Brian Kemp are clandestinely pleased to reach out to you today to let you know a few things about this voting integrity hogwash.

First of all, voting in Georgia is totally secure. Last year, when Republican Karen Handel (yay) beat Democrat Jon Ossoff (boo!) to replace Tom Price (Formerly ‘yay’ but now ‘boo’) we were warned that Georgia’s voting machines might not be secure. Our office leapt into action and the evidence was destroyed. Both copies! So you don’t have to worry about that.

Secondly, let’s face it, people: paper sucks. Paper planes never fly like you want them to. Paper plates always spill your pork and beans on your seersucker suit. Do you do your Facebook on a piece of paper? Hell no you don’t. You do it on a device so that your behaviors can be catalogued and secretly reviewed for later exploitation! Duh!

Finally, Brian Kemp is just awesome. He’s the coolest honcho on either side of the ‘Hooch and if you don’t vote for him the state will turn into a burning hell-scape where people treat white folks the way we’ve treated everyone else for the state’s entire history. We don’t want that, do we? That’s a big ol’ nope-er-rino.

All right well I guess that about covers it. Your proud secret patriot signing off!