Americans Ready to Return to Sports In Which It’s Okay to Be a Bit Fat

PHOTO: Anthony Quintano

ATLANTA, GA–The heartbreaking loss to Belguim in World Cup Soccer last night has left US sports fans disappointed, tremendously proud of the national men’s team, but most of all, ready to return their attention to American sports in which it’s okay to be a few pounds overweight.

“I have truly enjoyed the World Cup this year,” said Harry Murph-Entopps of Dawsonville, GA. “But the impressive physical shape of the players has been making me question my own fitness, and, you know, fuck that.”

Murph-Entopps says he may not have played football since he graduated high school, but he had no doubt he could return to the field today and “kick ass.”

“Same thing with baseball,” he added. “But that dang soccer, man. I don’t know. Too much running.”