ATLANTA–The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Atlanta’s only major daily news paper, was established in 1883 to address a need for list of citizens who had passed away overnight, a role they still gleefully fill today. The venerable paper has announced, however, an effort to reach new audiences using Internet memes.
These memes, originating from “chat rooms” and “message boards” in online communities such as CompuServ and The Facing Book, have gained a lot of ground in recent years, becoming one of the chief ways people consume information. They often consist of crude images cobbled together using what sources have referred to as a Goggle Image Search with a few bits of text in a shitty font added alongside.
“We just can’t keep up with these memes anymore,” confided Phineas T. Filligree, moneyed anachronistic spokesman for the paper’s publishers, polishing his monocle.
He continued, “People simply do not want to read more than a hundred and forty characters at a time,” and sighed wistfully.
“We hire some of the best writers in the country, stock our front page full of the finest deaths, shootings, and celebrity prattle, and we can’t get half the circulation of a meme featuring a cat holding up a sign claiming to be the 99%. I’ll never understand it, but I don’t have to. We’re jumping on board this meme thing, see, and how!”
The paper’s front page will change with the tide of incoming memes, adapting each story to whatever meme Internet users are using to beat dead horses. Current front page articles are in the “What People Think I Do” format, while videos of legislators or politicians will be edited to resemble the “Shit People Of A Certain Type Would Like To Think They Say” format.
Reporters were unable to reach anyone affiliated with The Internet for comment as of press time.
“Next we’ve got to figure out how to get on board with this Pinterest business,” Filligree spat. “Is that like the Twatter, or whatever? Hell, I don’t know.”