ATLANTA — Every new year, we at The Banana pore over our fellow publications’ lists of who and what to watch. Like all Atlantans, we can’t get enough of reading about our fellow journalists’ friends, pet projects, and favorite obscure artists. But what about the untold story? What about the people who are watching us?
We give you the inaugural short list of people who are watching us in 2012:
Creepy MARTA Man – It’s a little known fact that many of the seemingly-creepy riders of Marta are actually Transportation Safety Administration agents. Since our much-vaunted rapid transit system largely amounts to a glorified moving walkway into Hartsfield-Jackson — with a single speed bump at Turner Field — the TSA has elected to get a jump on things by dehumanizing air travelers long before they even reach the terminal.
Cardboard Sign Guy – No one is a more dedicated or diligent worker than Cardboard Sign Guy. Be it the intersection of Boulevard and Freedom Parkway, or the I-85 off ramp at Monroe, Cardboard Sign Guy is there every rush hour without fail, and he’s got eye contact for days.
BRAINSAtlanta zombies – As previously reported, BRAINSAtlanta employees do not miss a chance to feast on the delicious gray matter of its citizens, in accordance with its city contract of course. Don’t let them catch you unawares or they’ll munch 25% of your brain in seven days, 50% after that.
That Awkward One-Time Match Dot Com Date From Last Summer – He seemed pretty normal in his profile, but when he showed up for the date he was wearing running shoes with dad jeans and had a visible case of the shakes. Now he’s at the other end of the bar, and you just know he’s going to spot you and come over. Listen buddy, you had your shot and you dropped the ball. We didn’t wiggle into these Spanx to run with the B team.
Willie Terry – One-man meat packing district Willie Terry loves the ladies so much, he spends every afternoon waving at them on the eastern side of Briarcliff at Ponce de Leon. Don’t be afraid to wave back. Nobody’s got a bigger… smile.